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Catholic Church
: only slightly less great than Old Glory]] The One Holy Universal and Apostolic Church of Rome (or the Catholic Church) was founded in the year 33 A.D. by Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It has a long glorious history under the Bishop of Rome that includes, the crusades, the inquisition, and the wearing of comically large hats. The Church can trace its origins back to the original Christian community founded by Jesus, making it the oldest, and therefore best, version of Christianity. The Church is also responsible for producing the greatest book known to man, the Bible, which is the inerrant, flawless, word of God that can only be properly interpreted through the guidance of the Holy See. Catholics are known for statue worshipping, whispering their sexual secrets to a little man in a tiny square room wearing a skirt, and calling that man father. History In the year zero, GOD, by the power of the Holy Spirit, was born of the Virgin Mary and became man. His public ministry lasted approximately thirty years in which he passed down many memorable conservative teachings such as “''blessed are they who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps''” and "I am the way, the truthiness, and the light.” He also showed his approval of the death penalty by not saying anything when the thief said he deserved to be put to death. Though Christ’s death and resurrection saved all humanity from eternal damnation, humanity was slow to catch on. It was not until 313 A.D., when the emperor Constantine became Catholic that the people of the Roman Empire finally started to feel bad that the Jews had killed Christ. Most joyfully converted to Catholicism, along with their new spiritual leader and divinely appointed ruler, and those that did not later became so upset that they threw themselves to the lions. Things went along perfectly for the next few hundred years until the 16th century when Martin Luther dared to question the infallible teachings of the Roman pontiff such as plenary indulgences, public executions for heretics and witches, and not being allowed to read the Bible. Needless to say, Luther was clinically insane and suffered from dyslexia, schizophrenia, and liberalism. He now burns in Hell. It is still unclear as to how Jesus could let this schism in the One True Faith happen. Most Catholics suspect that Satan had a hand in it. He also probably had something to do with Harry Potter, Ted Kennedy and Bill and Hillary Clinton. Political Stance The Catholic Church, guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, has come out in favor of the Republican Party. Holy Mother Church’s opposition to abortion, stem cell research, euthanasia, abortion, gay marriage, and abortion makes it clear a vote for George W. Bush is like a vote for Jesus. In fact, Catholics are required by canon law to vote only for Republican candidates or else face the threat of excommunication and spend all eternity burning in Hell along with Lutherans and bears. Interestingly, the Church has been silent on many of the issues important to the Democratic Party, such as the war, the death penalty, poverty, the environment, discrimination, genocide, global arms trade, human rights, immigration, jobs, and worker’s rights. It is clear that the Holy Spirit does not give a crap about these things. It is also known that Catholics tend to be very conservative, hating, and deem it fancy to cut Protestant balls and nail it to their Church. Catholicism Today Of the six billion people living in the world today, roughly 18% are Catholic. The other 82% percent are sodomites, feminazis, liberals, agnostics (which are just atheists without balls), Muslims, or people who live in Hollywood. Catholics today, like Stephen Colbert and Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly, are engaged in a constant battle to save America from de-deification by restoring the place of Christian holidays like Easter, Christmas, Halloween, and Jesus Day, which unfortunately exists only in Texas, upholding our Catholic values such as life and homophobia, and promoting the spiritual agenda of our divinely appointed leader, the blessed George W. Bush. "Pedophilia" "Crisis" The amount of pedophilia in the Catholic Church is no greater than the amount in any other organization (except the U.S. military, which has a little less). The Liberal media only reports it more, while ignoring the rampant pedophilia in the Democrat Party, etc. In truth, all pedophile "priests" are supporters of the Satanically inspired Vatican II, and opposers of the reinstitution of the Latin Mass. (This is because it's very difficult to seduce 10 year old boys in Latin. They don't know what you're telling them to do.) True Catholics Today, many people claim to be in full communion with the Catholic Church, but there have only been a handful of True Catholics throughout history. This includes people such as: Stephen Colbert Jesus Blessed Virgin Mary Peter Paul Augustine St. Sebastian Pope John Paul II Pope Benedict XVI Bill O’Reilly Mel Gibson Rick Santorum Antonin Scalia Sean Hannity Tom Daschle James Caviezel Arnold Schwarzeneger Cafeteria-Style True Catholics need to be wary of cafeteria-style Catholics who only adhere to some of the Church’s many Republican teachings: John Kerry Nancy Pelosi St. Sebastian (removed from full communion due to priest "scandal") Any Kennedy Dorothy Day External Tubes * Bishop Announces Plenary Indulgences